A Letter to Paul Mercurio

Dear Paul (aka Scott Hastings),

I am just writing to tell you that I love you. I remember that day I first saw you in Strictly Ballroom. I was an awkward ten year old and you were a beautiful Australian movie star. I don't know if the movie plot was your idea, or whether you really fell in love with Fran (just Fran), but that movie really had a huge effect on me. It made me not care that I was ugly and had cystic acne. (Well, maybe I didn't have cystic acne until I was twelve but still) I realized that maybe a guy like you (you) could fall in love with me. And it didn't matter that I wasn't as flexible and acrobatic as Tina Sparkle. I had my own Latin (Jewish) flair.

I had many fantasies about the two of us. Many of them involved plot lines from the movie (Strictly Ballroom). For example, you would be an amazing ballroom dancer and I would be a clumsy beginner. I would ask you if I could be your partner and you would act cocky and say no. Eventually you would give in and start giving me lessons. You would always wear those black slacks with a wife beater. And I would wear ugly, baggy clothes, with a really great body underneath. As dance lessons progressed I would slowly start wearing tighter, sexier clothing. One day I would take off my glasses and take down my hair. Soon after that you would fall in love with me. Well, that can still happen.

Now I am 26 years old. I know you are married and have about 3 or 4 or even 5 children, but I thought this was my last chance. I saw you on a clip of the Australian version of Dancing with the Stars yesterday on youtube and figured what the hell. You did your famous slide across the floor with your knees entrance. It was so cute. You were wearing those same black slacks with the wife beater that you wore in the movie. Even though about fifteen years have gone by and you've put on some weight and lost some hair, you still look as cute as ever. True, I hadn't really thought about you in about 11 years or so, but I really have loved you all this time. I was just wondering if you'd like to go out to dinner sometime. I just thought I'd take a chance. After all, a life lived in fear is a life half lived.