Little fish? More like fish food.

When I was looking for the perfect college, I went to an educational consultant. He was a nice man who told me that it was better to be a big fish in a little pond, as opposed to a little fish in a big pond. Deep down inside, I believed this. During college I moved around a lot and tried many different sized ponds, never really deciding which I liked best. But I hadn't tried the biggest pond of all-- the pond of New York City. Many of my friends lived there, and they allured me with romantic stories of its grandeur. After college I decided to move there, disregarding the wise advice that was given to me a few years earlier. I would give it six months and if it didn't suit me, I would move on. But I fell for New York. I fell hard, like many do. And then somehow, slowly, I began to fall on my face. I had far surpassed the six month mark--it had now been years. There were so many fish, and they were all swimming right past me. I started to feel very small. Then I realized I wasn't a fish at all. I was fish food. So now, here I am, this tiny little flake --floating along, waiting to be swallowed.

Tips for Staying Young: By an Aging 26 Year Old

I remember when I was first born. Man, that was really a long time ago. It was a snowy night in Ontario, Canada and there were doctors all around me, annoying me and trying to make me breathe. Now suddenly I'm already this full grown thing. How did this happen?!? I didn't ask for this. Am I getting old? And if so, how can I stop it? I've heard there is something called wrinkles. Some dogs and cats have them. But I wonder if they are also growing in me. Things need to change. Because at this rate soon I'll be 37. Or worse--47!(The age of our new *aging* president!!!!). I've decided to enact a new 10 point plan for myself which will dramatically slow down my aging:

1.Drink more water.
This seems to be the best advice for everything so I'm going to put it at the top of my anti-aging list. But I wonder...does toilet water count?

2.Take a trip around the world. People who live in other countries are younger than me and I think it can spread.

3.Wear sunscreen, even inside. The sun is becoming increasingly bright due to global warming. My bed and desk already have a tan.

4.Eat less candy, but more Godiva.

5.Finally move into an apartment that does NOT double as a landfill.

6.Celebrate 27th birthday by getting shitfaced, eating an entire pizza, and passing out in clothes and makeup. This is sure to make me look decades younger by the very next morning!

7.Make more friends. People who surround themselves with loved ones have been proven to be happier and healthier. As far as I can see, my cat is my only friend. I need to start bribing people to sit in my living room and watch me torture my only friend.

8.Drink more wine. Wine is supposed to be good for you. Europeans have wine with every meal and they look so attractive when they do that. I will be more attractive if I drink wine with every meal too.

9.Get a "boyfriend." I really want one of these because everyone else says they are fun to play with. I would take it on walks and feed it treats and stuff.

10.Dance until I fall down at least once a day.

Am I President Obama's Illegitimate Love Child?

This is an extraordinary day. Not just because Barack Obama has been elected president, but also for another, possibly more extraordinary reason. Look at the two photos below. Do you notice a similarity between me and our new president? Look closely. Maybe it's obvious. Maybe not. Look at our faces. Specifically, our noses. More specifically, the right side of our noses. Do you see it?





That's right. It's true. Barack Obama and I have the same mole. Now, maybe moles are not typically something to boast about. I've never been particularly fond of mine-- but I haven't detested it either. But now I have a new fondness for my mole, a new hope that it means something special. I can say to myself: "I have a "presidential mole" and you don't! Yes!"

But are moles genetic? And if they are, isn't it curious that Obama and I have our lovely moles in the exact same place???? My mole is a bit smaller than his--but maybe I just have the girl version. Is it possible that I am President Obama's love child? Or maybe I am his sister? He does seem to have million strange siblings from around the world--maybe I was switched at birth somehow. Or maybe, we are merely mole cousins. Whichever is true, I feel proud to say that President Barack Obama and I share more than a deep love for our country. We share a mole.


Amazingly, there is already a video discussing this "presidential mole":