Tips for Staying Young: By an Aging 26 Year Old

I remember when I was first born. Man, that was really a long time ago. It was a snowy night in Ontario, Canada and there were doctors all around me, annoying me and trying to make me breathe. Now suddenly I'm already this full grown thing. How did this happen?!? I didn't ask for this. Am I getting old? And if so, how can I stop it? I've heard there is something called wrinkles. Some dogs and cats have them. But I wonder if they are also growing in me. Things need to change. Because at this rate soon I'll be 37. Or worse--47!(The age of our new *aging* president!!!!). I've decided to enact a new 10 point plan for myself which will dramatically slow down my aging:

1.Drink more water.
This seems to be the best advice for everything so I'm going to put it at the top of my anti-aging list. But I wonder...does toilet water count?

2.Take a trip around the world. People who live in other countries are younger than me and I think it can spread.

3.Wear sunscreen, even inside. The sun is becoming increasingly bright due to global warming. My bed and desk already have a tan.

4.Eat less candy, but more Godiva.

5.Finally move into an apartment that does NOT double as a landfill.

6.Celebrate 27th birthday by getting shitfaced, eating an entire pizza, and passing out in clothes and makeup. This is sure to make me look decades younger by the very next morning!

7.Make more friends. People who surround themselves with loved ones have been proven to be happier and healthier. As far as I can see, my cat is my only friend. I need to start bribing people to sit in my living room and watch me torture my only friend.

8.Drink more wine. Wine is supposed to be good for you. Europeans have wine with every meal and they look so attractive when they do that. I will be more attractive if I drink wine with every meal too.

9.Get a "boyfriend." I really want one of these because everyone else says they are fun to play with. I would take it on walks and feed it treats and stuff.

10.Dance until I fall down at least once a day.